Alright, you beautiful bunch of degenerates! Grab your chips, shut your mouths, and try not to play like complete assholes. The blinds are live, the clock is running, and somebody's about to lose their money with pocket jacks. Shuffle up and deal, motherfuckers!”
NewOnline tables: same degenerates, different couches→
Your buddy is not a
Degenerate Dealer presents
Your buddy is not a
tournament director.
He forgets who's coming, forgets the blinds, and swears he's up on the season. Degenerate Dealer invites the table, runs the clock and keeps the standings. With a filthy mouth on it.
Deal me in, 30 days freeThen $7.99/mo. Consider it Sal's tip.
See what it does
Level 1
demo · 60× · voice off
15:00
25 / 50
no ante
Next: 50 / 100
Blinds up. Move it.
"Did we raise the blinds?"
"I thought you were watching the timer"
"Let's just finish this level." It ended 14 minutes ago.
"Wait, who's actually coming Thursday?"
"Whose big blind is it"
"I'm definitely up on the season." He is ninth.
"I never got the text"
"Dave, what level are we on?" "Yes."
"Did the computer just call me a degenerate?" It did.
What you get as the host
The whole night, handled.
Get them to the table, keep the game moving, settle who's actually good, and when nobody can make it, deal it online. All of it comes with the host's membership. Your players just show up, free.
01 · Invites
Who's in, sorted.
- Email invites, and text invites if they opt in
- One tap to respond. No account required.
- Reminders, and a waitlist that fills itself
Blinds up. On the second.
- Never drifts, survives a closed lid
- Writes the structure, splits the pot
- Two dealers, 59 filthy lines
Bragging rights, in writing.
- Optional. One-off nights stay one-off.
- Standings that keep themselves
- Season wrap-up, with a crown
Can't make it? Deal it online.
- A live Hold'em table in the browser
- Everybody's face at their seat, Sal dealing
- Tournament or cash, chips only
- A chat, reactions, and a fish for Dave
Voice packs · dealing now
Sal has competition.
A voice pack swaps the dealer: same clock, same blinds, a different filthy mouth. Sal stays the default, and every subscription comes with both. First up is Sally, and she's already taken over his table.
Default
Sal “Sleeves” Marchetti
Gravel · cigar · bad knees
Blinds are up! Tighten your seat belts, loosen your wallets, and clench your assholes.
29 linesMeet Sal →
New
Sally “Snake Eyes” Santoro
Smoky · sweet · zero mercy
Blinds up. Cute stack, sweetheart. Shame about it.
30 linesMeet Sally →
New: sober, drunk or church. Both dealers now turn up any of three ways: the 59 filthy lines you know, 60 new ones with a cleaner mouth for the in-laws, or church mode, on their very best behavior.
See the difference →
It talks. Dirty.
The clock has a mouth on it.
The Dirty Poker Timer doesn't beep at you. A dealer's voice runs the whole night: it opens the game, it calls every raise, it sends you to the break. And the dealer has been drinking...... a lot! Fifty-nine recorded lines between two dealers, pulled from a shuffled bag so nobody hears the same one twice in a night. There's a mute key. You won't use it.
WarningExplicit dealernot for church groups
Blinds are up! Tighten your seat belts, loosen your wallets, and clench your assholes.”
Twenty lines, shuffled fresh each night. Pull one and watch it leave the bag.
Break time, you filthy degenerates! Take a piss, grab a drink, and make it quick. The game clock is still fucking ticking.”
The printed lines are a taste; the clips are the real recordings, straight out of the app.
Invites & RSVPs
Stop running the group chat.
Pick the night, pick the people, hit send. Invites go out by email, and by text to anyone who opted in. The answers land on your guest list.
Email invites, one tap to answer
Every invite goes out by email. Guests tap the link and say in, out or maybe. No account required.
A waitlist that fills itself
Table full? The next yes gets the chair the moment somebody folds.
Reminders it sends for you
A nudge on the day, and a heads-up if the night moves or gets called off.
Text invites, for the ones who want them
Players who switch texts on get the invite, and every reminder, by text too. Nobody gets a text they didn't ask for.
The Dirty Poker Timer
House rules, enforced by a machine.
A real desktop app for Windows and macOS. It can't be talked out of the blinds.
Zero drift, sleep-proof
Level forty lands on the second. Shut the lid and it catches up with one chime.
It writes the night
Stack, head count and bedtime in. Blinds, breaks and payouts out.
Big on the big screen
Throw the clock on the TV and keep running the game from the laptop.
Works with the Wi-Fi off
Runs all night offline. Syncs your structures and games when it can.
House League · optional
Settle who's actually good.
Turn the regular game into a season. Or don't: a random Friday never has to hear the word "league".
Scoring your way
Beat-the-field by default. Top-heavy or money-only if your group insists.
Standings that keep themselves
Every night you run counts, walk-ins included. No spreadsheet.
A link for the group chat
Share the standings privately, so Dave can see it in writing.
Season wrap-up, with a crown
Close the season, crown the champ, deal the next one.
Online tables · new
Can't make it? Deal it online.
Same game, same people, different couches. A live Texas Hold'em table in the browser, with Sal dealing.
A real table, in the browser
Phone, tablet or laptop. Nothing to download: open the game and sit down.
Sal deals every hand
Everybody's face at their seat, and Sal behind the rail calling the blinds out loud.
Tournament or cash
Your game's blinds and rebuys, or sit down and buy in. Chips only, either way.
Trash talk, built in
A chat, eight reactions and a fish to throw at Dave. The results still count in the league.
Head to head
Degenerate Dealer vs. your buddy Dave.
Dave has run your game for six years. He has never once known what level it is, or who's coming. This is not a fair fight, and Dave knows it.
| The job | Degenerate Dealer | Your buddy Dave |
|---|---|---|
| Raises the blinds on time | ✓ Every level, to the second | When reminded. Loudly. By everyone. |
| Knows who's coming | ✓ Every answer, plus a waitlist | "Everyone, probably." Four people show up. |
| Knows what level it is | ✓ Always. It's the whole job. | Confidently wrong, with a story about why. |
| Keeps the season score | ✓ Standings, updated every night | Says he's up. He is ninth. |
| Announces the raise | ✓ 59 recorded lines, two dealers. None of them polite. | Says "blinds up" once, quietly, while eating. |
| Splits the prize pool | ✓ Instantly, correctly, no debate | Has a spreadsheet. On his phone. It's for a different game. |
| Takes nine minutes to fold | ✗ Not applicable | Every hand. Sometimes with a speech. |
| Runs the game when nobody can make it | ✓ An online table, Sal dealing, chips only | Says "let's all just download an app". Sends the wrong one. |
| What it costs you | ✓ $7.99 a month | Your Thursday nights, a case of beer, and your faith in people. |
Meet the dealer
Anatomy of a degenerate.
Sal "Sleeves" Marchetti has dealt more hands than you've had hot dinners, and most of them were during dinner. He lives in the app. He does not leave. Read his résumé, if you have forty years.
Word from the table
The regulars weigh in
"It raised the blinds while I was in the kitchen. Nobody waited for me. Betrayal. Ten out of ten."
"Got a text that a seat opened up for Thursday. I have never moved that fast in my life. Not even for the buffet."
"I'm last in the league and now there's a link that proves it. Forty dollars says I'm top three next season."
Composite regulars, invented for a laugh. Any resemblance to your Thursday game is entirely your problem. Dave declined to comment.
One plan, one price
Cheaper than the blind you're about to punt.
- Invites and RSVPs for every game you host, by email and opt-in text, with waitlists and reminders
- The Dirty Poker Timer for Windows and macOS, every sound pack included
- Online tables for the nights nobody can make it, tournament or cash, chips only
- House League standings, if your group wants them
- Your guests pay nothing. Playing is free, forever
- Every new tool we ship. Same price, no upcharge
- Cancel in one click. We're degenerates, not monsters
- The first 30 days are free. Run a real game night on it before you pay a cent
30 days free, one per person and per card, then $7.99 USD per month, billed monthly. Your card goes in at the start and is first charged when the trial ends, unless you cancel before then. Cancel any time and it runs to the end of the month you paid for.
Out of the back room
What shipped, and what's next.
All of it in the same subscription. One progress bar is still aspirational.
Game invites: RSVPs, waitlists, reminders, texts
Shipped
House League: season standings and a crown
Shipped. We stopped arguing
The Ledger: buy-ins, rebuys, and who owes who
Shipped
Sally: a second dealer, booked per game or switched mid-game
Shipped. Sal is sulking
Online tables: tournament or cash in the browser, Sal dealing
Shipped. Pants optional
Dealer Voices: record your own blind-up calls
Legally reviewing them
Sal answers
Do my guests need an account, or have to pay?
No and no. They answer from the link in their invite. A free account is only for players who want invites by text.
Do I have to run a league?
No. Schedule a random Friday and nobody hears the word "season". The league is there when your group wants one.
Can we play when we can't get together?
Yes. Book the game online and everybody plays from their own couch on a live table in the browser, with Sal dealing. Chips only, players free. See the online table.
Do I need internet to run a game?
No. The timer is a desktop app with every sound built in. Sign in once, then run the night in airplane mode if you like.
What if my laptop goes to sleep mid-tournament?
It wakes up on the right level with the right time left, and plays one chime, not a backlog of alarms.
Why is Sal like this?
Sal has been dealing since seven and nobody has tipped. He isn't rude, he's tired. He is also a drawing, which he'd prefer you didn't bring up.
Is this for real-money games?
It's software for running a game night. What you and your friends do around the table is between you and your local law. Play nice, and pay Marcus his forty dollars back.
Is there a free trial?
30 days, one per person and per card. Your card goes in at the start and nothing is charged until the trial ends. We email you before that first charge, and if you cancel before it, you pay nothing.
Can I cancel?
One click, from your account page. It keeps working to the end of the month you paid for, or to the end of your free trial.
Somebody has to run the night. It shouldn't be you.
Invites out, clock running, standings kept. Hand the job to Sal and get back in the hand.
Deal me in, 30 days freeThen $7.99/mo. Consider it Sal's tip.