Voice pack · the original

Meet Sal.

Sal “Sleeves” Marchetti has been dealing since seven. Nobody knows if that means seven p.m. or 1987, and nobody asks, because he'll tell you. He opens your game, calls every blind with a voice like a gravel truck backing into a casino, and sends you to the break like a disappointed gym teacher. He has not been tipped once. He mentions it.

Sal “Sleeves” MarchettiDealer 01 · 29 lines · explicit
Hear him deal Deal me in, 30 days freeThen $7.99/mo. Consider it Sal's tip.

The default dealer · bad knees included at no extra charge

I've been here since seven.
Sal “Sleeves” Marchetti behind his rail: green visor, unlit cigar, fanning three cards, visibly not tipped. Click to poke him.

His résumé

Forty years at the felt. Zero tips.

Sal applied to be the voice of The Dirty Poker Timer in person, in pencil, with a cigar behind his ear. This is the résumé. We hired him before he finished reading it out loud, mostly so he'd stop.

Salvatore “Sleeves” Marchetti

Dealer · veteran · chair enthusiast

Objective

To deal cards, raise the blinds on the second, and be tipped, once, by anybody, before he dies.

Experience
  • Head dealer, a basement in Hoboken, 1987 to 1993. Left when the basement was repossessed with the game still in it.
  • Dealer, the Lucky Lady riverboat, 1993 to 1996. Let go for calling the blinds over the ship's horn.
  • Dealer, a wedding reception that turned into a card game, 1998. Still invited back. Still not tipped. The bride tipped the DJ.
  • Dealer, every Thursday at Dave's, 2004 to present. Unpaid. Dave calls it “exposure”.
  • The voice, The Dirty Poker Timer, present. First job with a microphone. Twenty-nine takes, zero retakes, one cough we kept.
Skills
  • Shuffling while complaining
  • Knowing the level without looking
  • Smelling a slow roll from the kitchen
  • Holding one unlit cigar for forty years
  • “Shuffle up and deal” in one breath
  • Standing
Education

The School of Hard Knocks. Transferred to the School of Pocket Jacks. Failed both, with honors.

Salary expectations

Tips. Any tips. One tip. A tip. Look, he'd take a nice word.

References

Available on request. Please do not request.

House rules

Sal's table. Sal's rules.

Taped to the basement fridge since 1991. Ignored since 1991. The timer enforces the ones it can. Sal enforces the rest with his face.

  1. Nobody touches the deck but Sal.Not you, Randy. Especially not you, Randy.
  2. The clock is the boss.It doesn't pause for bathroom breaks, phone calls or your feelings. Your bladder is not the dealer's problem.
  3. Phones face down.Sal can read your group chat from here, and frankly he's disappointed in all of you.
  4. Slow roll somebody and you're famous.He'll announce it. Loudly. At every game from now on, including the ones you skip.
  5. A string bet is not a bet.It's a cry for help. So is whatever Dave calls a raise.
  6. Tip your dealer.Sal has said this every night since 1987. It has worked zero times. He keeps the jar out of spite.

His lines

Twenty-nine lines. Zero apologies.

Four openers, twenty blind raises and five breaks, pulled from a shuffled bag so nobody hears a repeat in the same night. Three are printed here, exactly as he said them. The other twenty-six you'll hear at the table, usually aimed at Randy.

When the game starts

Alright, you beautiful bunch of degenerates! Grab your chips, shut your mouths, and try not to play like complete assholes. The blinds are live, the clock is running, and somebody's about to lose their money with pocket jacks. Shuffle up and deal, motherfuckers!”

one of 4
When the blinds go up

Blinds are up! Tighten your seat belts, loosen your wallets, and clench your assholes.”

one of 20
At the break

Break time, you filthy degenerates! Take a piss, grab a drink, and make it quick. The game clock is still fucking ticking.”

one of 5

Every clip is the real recording, straight out of the app. Turn it up. He'll be louder anyway.

Tale of the tape

Sal vs. Sally.

Same clock, same blinds, two filthy mouths. Every subscription gets both. Only one of them gets tipped, and it isn't the one who's been here since seven.

The stat Sal Sally
Dealing sinceSeven. Nobody knows which seven.Nine, and already running the place
VoiceGravel truck backing into a casinoSmoke, honey and bad intentions
Signature moveThe eleven-second throat clearThe wink
Tips, lifetime$0.00All of them
CigarUnlit. Legally.Doesn't need one. She has a snake.
KneesBad. Loudly bad.Great, thanks for asking
Calls youDegenerateSweetheart, which is worse
Complaints filed about the otherFourteenNone. She doesn't file. She wins.
Meet Sally Sal stays the default · Sally is one switch away

Asked about Sal

Is Sal a real dealer?

He's a drawing with a voice, which still makes him more real than Dave's bankroll.

Why do they call him “Sleeves”?

Nothing up them. He'll roll them up and show you. Please don't make him roll them up.

Is the cigar lit?

Indoors, never. Outdoors, allegedly. In the app it's a drawing, so the smoke detector can relax.

Can I mute him?

There's a mute key. He can't stop you. He will, however, know.

Has Sal ever said anything nice?

Once, in 1994, to a man who folded aces preflop out of respect for the game. Sal still thinks about it. So does the man.

What happened between Sal and Sally?

Nobody talks about the eleven days in 2019. Especially not her tattoo artist.

Is Sal okay?

He's been dealing since seven and nobody has tipped. He's fine. He's fine. Deal the cards.

Sal's dealing tonight. He's been waiting since seven.

Every subscription comes with Sal, Sally, the invites, the clock and the standings. The tip jar is optional. Sal would like a word about that.

Deal me in, 30 days freeThen $7.99/mo. Consider it Sal's tip. Meet Sally