New switch · same two dealers
Your dealer now turns up one of two ways. Drunk is the one you know and fear: loud, filthy and three whiskeys past professional. Sober is the same dealer after a long talk with HR and a large black coffee. Same clock, same blinds, same attitude. A lot less swearing. And for the fellowship hall, there's church mode: best behavior, all night.
Go on, flip it or press S, like in the timer
Breathalyzer BAC 0.19 Mouth filthy Tips still zero
What the switch does
Flip it and the dealer swaps every line they say: the opener, every blind raise, every break. Nothing else about the night changes. Nobody bleeps anything, either. Sober isn't the drunk lines with the swears cut out. It's a whole second set of recordings, made on a different night, with a coffee. Church mode, under the switch, is a third: best behavior, one line a moment.
The dealer as first recorded
Rated: absolutely not for church groups
A whole second set of recordings
Rated: cleaner, not clean. Sober, not a saint.
Best behavior, one line a moment
Rated: welcome back any time
Hear the difference
The blinds just went up. Here's how each dealer takes it, three whiskeys in and one black coffee in. Only the drunk one gets printed. The sober ones you'll want to hear for yourself, mostly to believe it.
The blinds are now raised. Ante up, you tight-ass bastards. Those chips aren't fucking decorations.”
Same Sal, same seat, one large black coffee. He's been sober for seven minutes and he'd like you to know it.
Smoke, honey and bad intentions, three whiskeys deep. Sal has asked her to tone it down. Once.
Same wink, fewer words you'd have to explain to your mother. Somehow still meaner than Sal.
Every clip is the real recording, straight out of the app: a blind raise from each dealer, drunk and sober.
And for the fellowship hall
Under the sober-or-drunk switch, in small print, there's one more: church mode. Switch it on and the slider goes away, because there's nothing left to decide. Sal tucks his shirt in, Sally finds a cardigan, and each of them says one polite line when the game starts, one at every blind raise and one at every break. The same line, every time. It is not thrilling. That is the whole idea.
Shirt tucked in, cigar in his pocket, knees still bad. He practiced his one line all week, and he would like you to notice.
Cardigan over the tattoos, hair behind her ears, the wink on hold until further notice. Somehow still the most intimidating person in the room.
Both clips are the real church-mode openers, straight out of the app.
Where the switch lives
Pick it ahead of time, pick it at the table, or change your mind halfway through the third level when somebody's mother walks in. Every one of them is one tap, and church mode sits right under the switch in each.
Still deciding?
Six questions. No wrong answers, except the ones Randy gives.
The dealer is waiting, and he is not a patient man.
Tale of the tape
Same dealer, same chair, same unlit cigar (in church mode, in his pocket). Very different evenings.
| The stat | Drunk | Sober | Church mode |
|---|---|---|---|
| On the rail | Rye on the rocks. His third. He says second. | Black coffee, his first. He says it's his fourth. | A plate of cookies. He brought enough for everyone. |
| Language | Gets you thrown out of a Denny's | Gets you a polite nod at a Denny's | Gets you invited back to the potluck |
| Calls the blinds like | A fire alarm with a grudge | A fire drill with a clipboard | A very polite announcement. The same one, every time. |
| Break energy | Last call | Snack time | Coffee's in the back |
| Swearing | Constant. Load-bearing. | A lot less. Sober, not a saint. | None. Best behavior. |
| Safe for | The regulars. Randy. | The office. The in-laws. The new guy. | The fellowship hall. Grandma. Grandma's friends. |
| Volume | Loud | Exactly as loud. We checked. | Exactly as loud. Politely. |
| Tips received | $0.00 | Still $0.00 | Politely declined |
No. Sober is a whole second set of recordings: new lines, a cleaner mouth, no bleeps and no dead air where a swear used to be. The drunk lines are still right there when you flip back.
No. Sober is cleaner, not clean. Church mode is as clean as the dealer gets, and even then the whole thing is for grown-ups. It says so in the terms, and we meant it.
Press S. The dealer sobers up on the spot, or gets poured one. It lasts for tonight only, so your usual setting is still there next time. Church mode can go on mid-game too, from the timer's Settings, and it takes the night over at the next line.
The dealers on their best behavior: one polite line for the opener, one for every blind raise and one for every break, the same ones every time. It sits under the sober-or-drunk switch, and while it's on the switch goes away.
Consistency is a virtue. Also, Sal only had the one polite thing to say, and Sally matched him out of solidarity.
No. Each mood keeps its own shuffle bag, so sobering them up and pouring them one again never repeats a line from earlier in the night.
She does: thirty sober lines of her own. She says it's the caffeine. Nobody has asked her twice.
No. Both dealers, both moods, one subscription at $7.99 a month. The coffee is on the house. So is the rye.
It's called Degenerate Dealer. We have a brand to protect.
We don't ask. He says it's coffee. It smells like coffee. Mostly.
Every subscription comes with Sal, Sally, sober, drunk and church mode, the invites, the clock and the standings. Pick a mood when you book the game, or press S when somebody's mother walks in.